| Bob the dog
Penelope Boolbar Chalky Darren LotUS Projoy |
Merlyn Piano:
|
Welcome back to I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue - This Time It's Unprofessional. We are still in Brownsover Hall. Some of you may have been checking out the facilities - maybe giving them a Brown Overhaul.
The restaurant here in Brownsover Hall is named after Sir George Gilbert Scott, (architect of the Albert Memorial and St. Pancras Station), who was the Professor of Architecture at the Royal Academy for seven years in the late nineteenth century. As is so often the case, however, the pupils often become more famous than the master. Whilst Scott has only a modest restaurant in a three star hotel in the Midlands named after him, his pupil, George Street, is remembered in the names of sixty percent of the thoroughfares of Britain. His other pupils included Carol Avenue, William No-through Road and Wendy Municipal-Car-Park.
Rugby is a place renowned for its famous school - the Neil Jenkins Memorial Comprehensive in Bewdsley Street.
It was at Rugby school that Thomas Hughes wrote his masterpiece Tom Brown's Schooldays, a classic of English literature, followed by the sequels Tom Brown's Cruel Days, in which he becomes a prefect, and Tom Brown's Drug-Induced Haze, where he goes to university.
Another famous resident was Lewis Carroll, author of a famous tale in
which a poor innocent met a crowd of hilarious characters who entranced
her with their incredible talents of word-play, pastiche and mimicry. Of
course, that could never happen here in the real world.
Let's meet the teams. On my left: I Say Porter, I’m not John,
Lib, nik, rab, Thos, Uncle Korky.
And on my right: Bob the dog, Boolbar, Chalky, Darren, LotUS, Penelope,
Projoy
You may all have noticed that Samantha has just popped out. The new
headmaster's just introduced her to the school rugby team - incidentally,
they say it's the best head they've ever had.
He's shown her the line-up for the match, so she's running her finger
down the first fifteen and wondering who should be pulled off at half-time.
Fortunately we have, after a long absence, that 6ft blond Nordic god, swimming-trunk model and retired scoutmaster, the impressive Sven. [Sven-type music]
Sven tells me he's just got back from an audition for a film role. Usually he has small parts, but this time the producer wanted to see how he’d handle a big one. He thought long and hard, and apparently achieved something outstanding.
At the piano, we still have Jonathan Ellis, who tells me he tried a
pint of Best during the interval.
Well, anything's worth a try, so let's see how he manages after 6 of
the Best.
Game 1b - New Definitions
Back by poular demand is the game of New Definitions. This gives a new definition to the term 'Popular Demand'. Some words get new menaing such as Cabinet – Used for catching cabbies, Irritate – The funny feeling you get in Modern Art Galleries and Pioneer – Outside the Bakers
Teams provided examples of new definition not mentionned before.
Game 6 – Swanee Kazoo
Kazoos and whistles were provided.
We continue the second half with the round called Swanee Kazoo, a game that combines the fragrant chirrup of the swanee whistle with the mighty rasp of the kazoo. A combination as inspired as Ant and Dec, Dick and Dom, Mark and Lard or Bullet and Forehead.
While the teams are supported at the Piano by JLE, I’m supported by my Grandfather’s Liberty Bodice.
Team 1 Played the Theme from Dr Who
Team 2 Played one of the themes from Star Trek (though
not all the same one)
Great.
And it does, doesn’t it?
Game 7 – Cheddar Gorge
Just like on the real thing. Only more cheddary.
We now come to a game called Cheddar Gorge. This is a game derived from an English place-name, just like those perennial favourites, "Breakon Beacons", a game for Welsh vandals, "Edinburgh" which involves very close-up rabbit hunting, or "Woking", to prophesy doom on a royal personage using a Chinese cooking pan.
For tonight's game of Cheddar Gorge, I'd like the teams to take turns adding a word. Every player is invited to add a word in turn. If at any stage I feel that the end of a sentence has been reached, you will hear one of the three following sounds. If you hear this, (doorbell)… it means that there is somebody at the door. If you hear this (Family Fortunes buzzer)… it means that Les Dennis is at the door. And if you here this (hooter)… it means I've lost the will to live.
Tonight's theme is the Eurovision Song Contest.
Game 8 - Official sponsor
It's time to play a game called Official Sponsor. It's come to my attention,
teams, that slogans are being used to advertise almost anything these days.
Sven was telling me he was recently been asked to perform in 'The Home
of the Whopper'; 'Soft, Strong and Very Very Long'; oh, and
'Finger Lickin' Good'. Theatrical sponsorship is becoming even more
prevalent, though, and so I'd like you to come up with suggestions of how
stage productions would look after a hefty dose of company sponsorship.
Game 9 - Mornington Crescent
Motorway service station edition
It's time to play the game called Mornington Crescent. But first,
I see the MC postbag has received almost 7000 letters this week, all of
them from a Mrs Trellis of North Wales. She writes:
| Dear Griff,
Thank goodness for the return of your programme about restoring ancient, decaying ruins to their rightful places in the country. Please please please stop Michael Parkinson moving to ITV. It's taken long enough to get him to quit the BBC. Yours sincerely, Mrs Trellis |
Tonight, we shall be playing the Motorway Service Station Edition - honouring the Midlands' close ties with the motor industry. (Players should beware, as the M25 anti-clockwise is blocked at Junction 28, and the M6 is closed for road works between junctions 8 & 9 - the Walsall intersection.)
Knutsford is worth seven and Frankley I don’t give a damn.
The winning move is South Mimms.
Game 10 – (That makes me glad to be) Welsh Film Club
Well, I see that Samantha and Sven are getting ready for a long haul in Sven’s motor caravan. They’re embarking on a touring holiday of North Wales. As it’s a long drive, they have decided to take it in turns to handle the camper - Sven’s going to fill 'er up, and Samantha’ll show him the way to Bangor.
We just have time to squeeze in a round in which the teams suggest some big screen productions likely to be popular in Wales. Points will be deducted for sheep jokes.
Teams provided examples of Welsh styled Films.
Well, I see that the big hand's moving all the way up, and the little hand's approaching a nice round figure... Sven, leave Samantha alone!
So, as the loose change of time hurtles from the pocket of destiny into
the washing machine innards of inevitability, and the lawnmower of fate
slices through the cat droppings of hopefulness, I notice it's time for
a drink. So from Samantha, Sven, the teams and the good folk of Brownsover
Hall, it's goodbye.
And some that were suggested but never made
it to the final cut.