| Bob the dog
Penelope Boolbar Chalky Darren LotUS
|
Projoy Piano:
|
Hello and welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue – This Time It's Unprofessional. You join us tonight in the historic town of Rugby, the birthplace of the greatest game in England that doesn't involve underground stations.
The early days of rugby gave rise to the popular terminology in use today. Originally, the players were more interested in their post-match exploits, so that a full-back was the one who'd just eaten the most, a blindside flanker had just drunk the most, and a hooker was the one who'd banged the most - balls over the opposing team's try line.
Another two terms came about when a referee misheard a complaint about a rucking flanker and sent the team off.
To give you an idea of the pomp and ceremony of the occasion, tonight we are all in brown overalls. I'm sorry, tonight we are in Brownsover Hall. Designed by Giles Gilbert Scott, who's most famous for sticking a telephone in a person-sized red iron box, thereby inventing the first public lavatory.
The staff tell me they've seen a few ghosts in their time, so who knows, we may be joined by some ancient, tortured souls bedevilling us with their wretched cries, in sheets of worn-out old material. Let's meet the teams.
On my left: I Say Porter, I’m not John, Lib, nik, rab, Thos, Uncle
Korky.
And on my right: Bob the dog, Boolbar, Chalky, Darren, LotUS, Penelope,
Projoy
And of course, ready with her scorebook to lend a hand and get the teams'
points in, and show us how they're all standing, please welcome the ever-delightful
Samantha.
(Nice Samantha music from JLE)
At the piano we have Jonathon Ellis. Jonathon has recently done a great deal of work with musical legend Bjork and at her request has made regular trips to Iceland. Of course, if he can’t get what she wants there, he goes to Kwik Save.
Game 1 – New definitions
Right, let's begin with Round 1, which tonight is called New Definitions.
Many people in this day and age have difficulty using words like "sympathy"
and "empathy" correctly". Well now, of course "empathy" is a mutual understanding
or affection arising from a close relationship or affinity. Whereas a "sympathy"
is a musical work in three movements.
Game 2 – One Song To The Tune Of Another
We now move on to a game called One Song To The Tune Of Another. Now,
teams, I can see by your wide-open mouths you're thinking, what in the
name of Adam's sweet mother in China can this be all about?
Well, first of all we divide the song into two, known as the "tune"
and the "words". It might help to
visualise these components as a play script which has both plot and
characters. Now clearly, you couldn't have a play in which the characters
don't do anything at all, and a plot in which there are no characters would
quite clearly be sheer madness. Now I know what you're thinking at this
point, teams, "Has the old man gone off his Joe Cocker? Surely he's forgotten
the works of Samuel Beckett!" Well let me tell you, I'm quite aware of
the pain and torture of Vladimir and Estragon, heads spinning in a whirl
of frenzied madness, clinging to the vain hope that relief may be just
around the corner. At the piano we have JLE.
JLE has been learning various Renaissance instruments. Apparently his Viol playing is now thoroughly viol. He's also learning the recorder - so far he's learnt Rewind and Pause, but the tape chews up on Record. And he's just been given a sackbut. I'm sorry, I'll read that again. He's just been given the sack, but we've paid him till the end of the evening anyway.
Merlyn sings Like a Virgin to the tune of All Things Bright and Beautiful.
Darren sings Dr Hook's A Little
Bit More to the tune of I Wanna Be Like You from The Jungle
Book.
Uncle Korky sings Ghostbusters to the tune of If I Were a Rich Man from Fiddler on the Roof.
Lord of the Under Stairs (LotUS) sings
My Favourite Things from
The Sound of Music to the tune of
The Addams Family.
Game 3 - Radio Tymes
Right, on with the next round, which is called Radio Tymes. Not many
people realise what a venerable history some of our favourite TV shows
have. William Shakespeare himself originally called The Taming of the
Shrew: Have I Got Shrews for You, while King Lear was
known as I'm In Senility, Get Me Out of Here! Also, Queer as
Folk started out as Arse, You Like It. Followed by Coriolanus.
And of course, Big Brother - Much Ado About Nothing.
Team One provided some Radio and TV themes from the time of the Dinosaurs
Team Two from the time of the Creation
Game 4 - Sound Charades
It's time to play a game called Sound Charades, in which the teams'
skill and dexterity will truly run
the gamut. Sorry, ruin the game. It's based on that long-running game
show Give Us A Clue, and who can forget the delight in Lionel Blair's
eyes as Michael Aspel said "I want to get 'Stuck On You' in exactly
two minutes." Imagine the hilarious consequences from stopping the panellists
speaking. Now hold that thought while these teams are speaking.
Bob the dog and Darren. I see
you have chosen an extremely easy one. So to make it a little more
difficult, I’d like you to do it using sound effects only. Here it
comes on the laser display board now.
Game 5 – The Biscuit Game
I think there's just time before the break to squeeze in a round of
the Biscuit Game. It's based on a
Victorian parlour game, like so many other hardy perennials – there
was of course Forfeits, which
involves flashing a light at a quartet of epileptics, Passing a Parcel,
which is very painful, and
Bottijelli, which is how you feel after passing a parcel.
This game is played along the lines of another famous game involving
underground stations, but I need to make it absolutely clear, teams, that
the Peek Freen Trotsky Assortment is out of bounds, the Rich Tea Option
comes into play only after a Homewheat Divergence, and the Small Water
Biscuits are valid only if previously Creamed.
Well, as the attachment of fate mangles the e-mail of eternity, and
the wild geese of our hopes get sucked into the plane turbine of destiny,
I notice it's time for a drink, so from Samantha, the teams, myself and
the wonderful audience, it's goodbye.
And some that were suggested but never made
it to the final cut.